Studies Show: You + Self-Compassion = More Achievements

This week, I'm thrilled to be featured in this piece that Sarah W. Caron wrote on sheknows.com about the importance of self-compassion and how we can get some. It seems that studies show that if we can be compassionate to ourselves, we're apt to achieve more and accomplish more.

Accomplish more? Achieve more? Annnnnd, I'm in.

The question Caron proposed was, how?

If you're anything like me, and I dare to think a lot of women people are, most of the time you're too busy relentlessly driving yourself to be all self-compassionate. So I stopped and really considered: why? Why do we do this? And here's what I came up with: we relentlessly drive ourselves because we are raised to always focus outward and compare ourselves to some external hallmark of beauty/success/partnership/happiness.

Hmmm. And what's a certain thing I teach that's all about looking inward and not being competitive? Starts with a "y," ends with an "a" and is one middle letter off from that adorable little green jedi from Star Wars.

And that's when I also realized (yes, brilliance was high that day) that practicing yoga had actually correlated with caring a whole lot less about what everyone else was doing/thinking/being and being brave enough to leave my corporate life/career/identity and go after what I really wanted: teaching yoga and writing a book.

If you don't have time or access to yoga, you can also try the breathing, stress-relieving exercise in the article.

Chasing the Dream: Self-compassion helps you do more

Studies say those with self-compassion achieve more and accomplish more goals. Harness your own compassion for yourself in parenting, life and all your aspirations.

Have compassion...
for yourself

Jennifer Gaddis, creator of the site HeelsandJeans.com, was recently in a conference with her 9-year-old's teacher. Her son wasn't doing well in class. After the conference, she mentally beat herself up for not doing enough to help him — which just made everything worse.

She was lacking compassion for herself. "Finally I sat down and I thought, how can we make it better? To harness compassion for one's self, you must — and always — stop blaming yourself. Ask yourself how can you make it better? Tomorrow will be a new day," says Gaddis.

Experts say that self-compassion, a challenging goal, is important to achieving your goals since it allows you to roll with the punches and move ahead.

"My theory is this: Women are raised to constantly compare ourselves to something other than what we are — everything from how we look to our jobs, our parenting, our marriage, our 'success.' It's always about looking out, around us, and then never living up to that perceived better standard," says Sara DiVello, a registered yoga teacher who is certified with the Yoga Alliance. "The result is a combination of constant comparison which creates co-morbid anxiety — women are stressed about how they don't measure up and are also in a state of constant mental activity (anxiety) from all this comparing."

Gaining perspective

So, how do you de-stress and allow yourself that necessary self-compassion? DiVello suggests taking a step back. "Take a moment to sit down. Often, we're stressed but we don't take the time to sit down and deal with it — instead, we continue rushing around, absentmindedly stressing about how stressed we are... which only escalates our stress," says DiVello.

Then, give yourself a chance to focus. Think of what's stressing you out and take a deep breath. Exhale (extending it longer than your inhale) and flick your hands as though you're trying to get something off of them (you are — the stress!). Also known as the 'there's no paper towels in the restroom flick.' Repeat three to five times. Now, settle into extended exhale breathing (as described above) with the eyes closed for three to five minutes," says DiVello.

And guess what? I tried this... it really does help.

Achieving your goals

Having self-compassion makes embracing failure — the necessary things that we can all learn from — useful tools in our quests to reach our dreams. And as daunting as it may seem to skip the self-berating and learn from our mistakes, it is key to achieving your goals. "Self-compassion is kindness toward yourself and your mistakes. It helps you get up from failure, survive a divorce and be more joyful in the present. Yes, it can also help you be a better parent because you will have compassion for your kids when they make mistakes," says Maryann Reid, lifestyle expert at www.alphanista.com.
Start with small changes that begin to free yourself from the negative talk that holds you back, says Kathryn Vercillo, author of Crochet Saved My Life. "It can be daunting to try to change that negative self-talk in those large areas of life since they are so ingrained into the way that we think. By starting small, in just one area like crafting, we can begin to learn to nip that negativity in the bud," says Vercillo.
For Vercillo, that's meant crocheting with abandon — and not taking a negative tone with the results. What will it mean for you?

 

The Writing Journey #2: Hiring a Professional Editor

As soon as I decided to go the indie route, I knew that hiring a professional editor was a must. If I was going to do this, I was going to do it right.

I researched independent editors, culling a list of 10. I narrowed it down to five that I interviewed by phone. I took notes on each conversation. I made lists of their previous clients and researched each book they had worked on. Then I researched the reviews that each one got. I asked for references; I checked references. I reached out to past clients who they hadn't given as references (because OF COURSE they're going to give me the clients who loved them--duh!). Then, after a lot of mental and physical pacing, I made a decision.

Then I stressed about my decision. Was this the right choice? Was she the best fit for me? What if her references and past clients had lied? What if this was all a farce? What if I'd just sent a big, fat check to a hustler?

I waited six weeks for my turn in the editorial queue. Then I waited four weeks for my manuscript to be sent back to me.

During this time, I thought of very little else. How could I when my professional editor was editing my book? (My book! Holy crap!)

My editor let me know that it's her policy not to comment while she works. Which kind of made sense except the fact that I'm totally freaking out and dying to know what she thinks!

One of my reasons for going the indie route was because it was the expedited route. But it seems that patience--lots of it--is required, even on the expedited route!